Why do People Stay With Abusive Parents?

The sad thing about abuse is it's all about training an individual to believe that without their abuser they're nothing. Abuse teaches the victim that they'll fail without the abusers hand guiding them through every situation.

Although I was extremely depressed, always anxious and the most miserable I had been in my life, here are the reasons I stayed with my parents for as long as I did:

The world is a bad place

My parents lived by the mantra that everyone that isn't our family is out to get you. This, compounded by the fact that my mother would say one thing, but mean another, meant I felt I could never understand people. I couldn't protect myself in a situation and this of course made me even more scared of people. It got a point that even our extended family was conniving and not to be trusted. Isolation is a common and effect tactic in abusive relationships.

I am the worst person that has ever lived

My mother would take the smallest thing and turn it into how I was such a terrible person that would ruin everything in my life. Her mantra was that if I ever left I would have to turn to a life of prostitution (isn't funny how many abusive parents resort to telling their children they'll be homeless prostitutes to keep their kids in line). Ruining everything is something I still struggle with almost every day. It creeps into my work, my friendships and financial choices.

The overwhelming fear that I would end up alone

I had/ am still working on this overwhelming fear of being alone. I always imaged that if I left my parents home, even if I didn't end up homeless, I would end up this isolated person living out my days watching other people get together. The rise of social media did nothing to help this fear. It unfortunately gave me the ability to sit for hours and watch the world go by. I so desperately wanted to feel loved and included. The few times my parents made me feel that way kept me in their house.

I wasn't smart enough or capable enough to handle money

I believed I wouldn't be able to support myself. My parents always made it out like we were struggling financially. If my parents, a joint unit, couldn't support themselves then what chance did I have? It wasn't until I got older that I realised that I and all my siblings went to Catholic high schools and for most of my mothers life she was a housewife. We might have struggled, but things were never as bad as my parents made it out to be. If anything my father horded money as a means to punish the rest of the family.

I also had no idea how much anything cost, how to get anything and, due to a lack of self esteem, believed I was too stupid to figure it all out. I think this is common in adult children raised by narcissists. We're expected from a young age to know everything, however we're never provided any guidance or teachings. When we fail at grasping a concept or new technique we're called stupid and made to feel worthless. So, as a child you believe that if my parents, who were suppose to love you, think I'm stupid then I must be - right?

Without my mother's guidelines I wouldn't be able to take care of myself

I believed I wouldn't be able to take care of myself. I couldn't cook (those that know me very well would say I still can't haha!). I couldn't drive and the anxiety of trying ate at me. I knew nothing of the world of adulting.

My grand exit

In the end I stayed until I was 22 and I moved out with my then boyfriend. I'll talk about him in a future post, but as most decisions that are made out of fear it didn't work out very well for me.  As children of abusers we unfortunately look for the same traits in our romantic partners and friends that we saw in our parents. That's exactly what I ended up doing.

I'm a firm believer it all happens for a reason though. If it hadn't gone down the way it didn't I wouldn't be in the wonderful place that I am now writing to all of you. If you're thinking of leaving your abusive situation please know that you can do it. You have the strength and power inside you. Everything doesn't have to be decided right now. You have your entire life to figure it all out.