In Australia you can get a mental health plan from a doctor. They give you a basic diagnosis and you take this along with you to your psychologist. With this mental health plan some of your psychologists appoints are paid for by the government. This is what I did. The doctor was the first big hurdle. She looked more traumatised by my story than I was from experiencing it. She apologised to me for my childhood multiple times and all my fears were realised - I was a freak. In my mind I believed this woman, who was only a few years older than me, must have come from this beautiful family and that’s how she rose to the ranks of doctor. There I was unable to do the most basic of things without it depleting me completely.
Next was the psychologists appointment. I found a psychologist office on Google and based it on the proximity to work. The first psychologist seemed to only want to scratch the surface. I would tell her an issue I had with my friends and rather than having me realise that my issue with my friends was not actually an issue with my friends but with myself, we discussed how mean my friends were. I'm not an expert, but I knew that wasn't how it should go.
The next time I went in for an appointment I was told that my psychologist had decided to resign and I would now be seeing someone else...to say I lost my cool is an understatement. I didn’t want to have to start again with a whole new seemingly perfect person.
I didn't see a psychologist again for a few years, not until my eventual breakdown when my grandmother passed away. This time everything was different, or maybe I was just more open to the experience? The doctor was calm and just wrote down what I said and marked it against some sort of test. She told me my diagnosis (I now realise as I’m writing this that the first doctor never told me. I always assumed I had anxiety, but I actually had pretty severe of depression). She recommended a nearby psychologist and I was able to be booked in the following month.
I saw that psychologist many times throughout that year. I’ve actually got an appointment booked in to see her in the upcoming month. She made me question my values and the core beliefs I had about myself. We tackled the root of my depression and how I could assertively speak to people (something I'm still trying to master).
Things I learnt from my psychologist
She made me realise things I hadn't before:
1. The world is not my abusive family. People aren't out to get me or to make me feel like I'm less than. Most people don't even notice my existence and have no ill will towards me because they're too busy living theirs.
2. My family lived for my grandmother, even if she didn't know it. The relationships that died when she did is evident of that.
3. The most important thing in this life is connection. It's more important than my salary, my position or any pride. I must shift my mindset to focusing on connecting with those that I love.
These were big breakthroughs for me. Admitting that I wasn’t a burden to those around me was hard. I sobbed every session, but as I left her office I always felt like I was 10kg lighter.
As a final thought I'm not saying for you to go see a psychologist. Every single one of us is different and that’s what makes life brilliant. However, I wanted to share my positive and not so positive experiences and how being able to bounce my thoughts off a professional allowed me to see myself and the world differently.
The more we all support each other the easier it is to talk about , great post
ReplyDeleteSo very true! Support is the biggest healer.
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