How to Manage Toxic People and Build Meaningful Friendships

I used to have friends that made me feel bad about myself.

I can link so many of the things I'm self-conscious about (my weight, my skin tone, my afro hair, my strawberry legs, my breast size) back to a single person and moment in time. I was a pretty oblivious kid and stuff like that didn't really matter to me. My main concern was making sure I behaved perfectly so my mother wouldn't abuse me.

Looking back, those people weren't my friends. We liked the same things, we talked on the phone, we went to movies and even had sleepovers...but compared to the people I surround myself with now it seems crazy I spent any time with them at all. My current best friend (HI IF YOU'RE READING THIS) would never poke fun at my weight. She would never purposefully put me down to make herself seem prettier, smarter, funnier or a range of other emotions.

As a teenager and young adult you tell yourself that you have to forgive these people. "They're just jealous of me" I would tell myself. As a woman fast approaching her thirties I realise that even if my friends had a jealousy that burned like a thousand suns, how was that my cross to bear? Why did I need to be their emotional punching bag? Why did my achievements and successes make them feel small? Answer: because they weren't my friends.

Deep down I know I put up with it because I didn't think I deserved any better. Deep down I know I stuck around for as long as I did (I dropped my toxic friendship group once my then boyfriend now husband pointed out how terrible my friends were) because I was more afraid of being alone. What if I was so damaged that no one else would want to be my friend?

Even now, with a loving husband and establish family and friend support group I find myself panicking in the middle of the night. What if I woke up tomorrow and my best friend moved to Asia? What if my sister decided she no longer wanted anything to do with me? What if my husband divorced me? What if...

The anxiety that comes from this will keep me awake for most of the night and is usually gone in the morning when my mind is occupied with more pressing thoughts (like breakfast). I know that although I'm more loved than I could ever think possible I'll always be that scared teenager terrified of being alone.

If you're like me, and if you've read this far I'm sure you are, there is only one thing for us to do - reach out. I’m going to say this a lot of this blog, but it's because I'm never disappointed when I do. I reach out to my husband, I reach out to my sister and brother-in-law, I reach out to friends. To some I share my anxieties and to others I just simply inquire into their life (I've been trying to make a conscious effort not to make my friends my emotional dumping grounds). Human connection is healing and once you've got a support system full of beautiful people it's alright to lean on them. Vulnerability doesn't make you weak and anyone that makes you feel that way shouldn’t be part of your circle of beautiful people. Give it a go the next time you are feeling particularly raw. It's a pretty easy way to weed out the toxicity in your life.