Every time a dark
period comes over me it always starts the same. Things just seem to feel more
bland. Personal interactions become taxing and I convince myself that there
really isn't much point to anything because I'll always feel this way.
Depression convinces me that I'll always feel lost, distant, sad. I'll never be
happy because I'll never hit that golden target that will make life worthwhile.
Like I mentioned
last week in my post about Dealing with Burnout and Getting Back on Track when
I feel hopeless is when I start my self sabotage. However, depression goes to a
new level that feeling burnt out doesn't reach. Depression convinces you that your
goals are pointless because you're worthless. It robs you of your optimism and
confidence because what could you possibly be happy about. Depression tells you
that you're always going to be a failure and that you're exactly the way your
mother/father/sibling/family member/friend/co-worker makes you feel.
I'm thankful that my
depressive episodes are often followed by a period of positivity and
mindfulness. It was during this period that I started to plan for my next dark
time. As always, I made a list.
The List
The things I get
depressed about focus on my decisions in the past and how they'll impact my
future:
- I should have studied X so I could be Y.
- If I had stayed at X company I would have been in Y position by now.
- If I had continued to go to the gym and diet I could fit into a size X instead of being a size Y.
- If I had kept up with my writing I would be an author by now.
When 2020 was fast
approaching I decided to make a list of all the things I wish I had done as if
I was a bright eyed 18 year old with my whole life ahead of me.
With 52 weeks to
move closer to my dreams I determined how often I would have to work on my
dream in order to have something to show for it at the end of the year.
I popped all that
information into an excel spreadsheet and each time I work towards my goal I mark it down on a
calendar. You can do this in a bujo or even a regular notebook.
What does this have
to do with depression?
I often personify my
depression because while I understand it's a result of my abusive childhood, I
like to believe it's also my arch nemesis. Depression wants me to fail.
Depression wants me to wallow. Depression wants me to become angry and bitter
at the world. Not today Satan.
When you're in the
midst of your depression and everything feels pointless - work down the list.
You don't have to do a lot, just do something. Achieve something, even if it's
just thinking of your next steps. What you do doesn't have to be perfect. Combat
the negative thoughts depression is throwing your way with action.
I really hope this
post works for you and please let me know down below how you go! Also be sure
to connect with me on Instagram @breathe.syd
!
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