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How to Overcome a Fear of Confrontation



When something nice or beautiful happens I always have the same thought: life is a funny thing. In these moments I feel so connected to everything in the universe and am so grateful to all the moving parts that had to come together to give me this exact moment. Usually these moments happen when I'm surrounded by friends, family or when I'm taking a solo walk through nature.

On the other hand, sometimes I feel like the universe is conspiring against me. I feel as if no matter what I do or say nothing is going to work out for me. There is nothing outside of the pain and anxiety I feel in that moment.

These may seem like two extremes, maybe they're only my extremes, I don't know, but I know a time when my anxiety shoots through the roof. 

When I’m trying to express myself

There is something about asking people for anything, especially to spend time with me, that makes me super uncomfortable. As a child of abuse you learn that your wants/needs/emotions/thoughts are invalid. And if that's true then I am essentially worthless. It's probably not something you say to yourself, but give it some thought - is it something that motivates your actions? Do you avoid direct interactions? Do you not like to open up? Do you avoid the possibility of confrontation because then you would have to not only explain your thoughts but you may even **gasp** have to defend them? I'm so very guilty of the latter. I can see it drive the people in my life wild. I back down from any conversation as soon as it even seems like it might get heated. I admit defeat, I withdraw, I throw up the walls and retreat.



How can you change? 

Start small. My goal for this month and every month moving forward is to express how I feel. Now I'm not telling you to go out and yell fuck the world and start telling people every negative thing you've ever thought about them. I'm starting small, maybe you can too. I'm going to tell my husband every single time I feel cold. Let me explain, I am usually always cold while my husband is always running warm. When we are in the car or sitting in the living room watching TV he'll turn the air con on and then he is in this state of bliss...until he sees me sitting there shivering with goose bumps. As I type this I feel insane, but it just never occurs to me to tell him I'm cold. It's not that I don't want to be comfortable, I just don't value my discomfort over his. As I type this I realise that it doesn't have to be one or the other - my discomfort or his. One of us doesn't have to lose and if I truly think in this winning and losing dichotomy why am I okay with me always losing? Do you feel like this? Do you want to change it? Then speak up. Express yourself. Give your opinion. You are valid and the things you think and feel are valid. Stop hiding from life and speak up!

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