Skip to main content

Dealing with Abusive/Toxic Family During the Holidays


 

I hate feeling fake. I hate acting like the perfect daughter that belongs to this perfect family. Special days like Christmas, Australia Day, Easter and even my birthday would really grind my gears. If we weren't happy the other days of the year, why did we have to pretend that we were just because the calendar said so. I hated the pageantry of it all. 

As an adult that has long gone No Contact with her abusive parents the holidays feel...strange? I sometimes replay old patterns and slip back into survival mode, so a small part of me still dreads these days. In writing this blog, connecting with other adults that have survived traumatic childhoods and surrounding myself with love and happiness I've been trying hard to shut down the dread and embrace excitement.


Focus on the Good


Rather than thinking back to everything these days could have been, I'm looking towards the future.

  • Getting together with my friends and having a laugh
  • Spending the day with my chosen family exchanging stories and good food
  • A day lazing around the apartment with my husband watching a great sci-fi flick
  • Deep cleaning my apartment so that when I go back to work it's fresh and clean
  • Attempting a new dessert recipe (I really want to get into making cheesecakes)
  • Cuddling in bed with my cat while I read with the gas heater on

Just because these days don't match the picture perfect image I grew up watching on TV or hearing about from my friends doesn't mean they can't be memorable. If you focus on the have-nots and the past you'll spiral into funk, or worse. Focus on the good you can have right now.

Plan Ahead


I spent a lot of these days sitting alone in my room because I didn't want to participate in the family gathering happening in my living room. It was lonely. I never want to feel that lonely again. To prevent this I plan all my social events way in advance. At the beginning of my month I'll organise dinner with my friends, catch ups and baking sessions with my bestie, lunch with my sister, date nights with my husband. When I know these big holidays are coming up I know exact where I'll be and who I'll be spending it with.

But Sussan, "what if I don't have anyone to spend these day with"? I'm glad you asked! Turn your solo public holiday into a day of self care. Even if I'm spending a holiday alone I can get excited because I have a list of projects to do, books I'm finally going to finish reading or shows to binge. A deep clean of my apartment and a weeks worth of meal prep always makes me feel like I'm set up for success.

Not sure where to start with turning your holiday alone into a day of self care? Download my worksheet! Upload a shot of your sheet to Instagram and tag @breathe.syd so I know how you're going. 

A change in mindset can bring about a change in your life. Don't let yourself be bogged down with what should have happened and how it all could have been different.


Do you dread special days/holidays? Hopefully what I've said can help.


Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Get Out of a Rut

Finding yourself in  a  rut can be frustrating. Being in a rut can be due to depression, boredom or a recent setback that has left you feeling like there are no options to move forward. When this happens it can feel like an effort just to get yourself dressed each day. I know, I've been there. What is a rut? A rut is a mental state where you feel emotionally and mentally drained, so everything feels like it takes ten times more effort. When every task feels like a mountain you stop trying. It's at these times that I feel self sabotage kicks in. I stop taking care of myself because that feels like the only thing I can control. Once the feeling of the rut passes all I'm left with is oily skin, a few extra kilograms and annoyance that I spent my time binging Netflix shows I've already seen (hello, Gossip Girl and Glee). Weekends that I could have spent creating, exercising, socialising - are completely wasted. When I head back into work on Monday I fee...
Post a Comment
Read more

Retrain My Brain With YouTube - A Six Part Series - Day One

I've set a goal. It's not a big goal or particularly difficult, but I have a habit of quitting what I try to start so I thought if I wrote it all down I would push through. I listen to a lot of positivity and self-motivational videos, talks and podcasts, but this video hit hard to home. I like to believe everyone is on a journey and I'm at this point in mine where I believe, like truly believe, I deserve happiness and success. I deserve to work hard at something and actually complete it. I deserve to not abandon a project once it starts going well because I'm afraid of success or don't feel I'm worthy of success. So I made a commitment sitting on the floor of my office meditation/prayer room: I would listen to this video every day for 6 more days. I wanted to see if it would penetrate my consciousness and if the messages would ingrain themselves in my mind. I'll post my updates and may even do a vlog about my experience and how this impacts my...
Post a Comment
Read more

How to Achieve your Goals When you have Depression

Every time a dark period comes over me it always starts the same. Things just seem to feel more bland. Personal interactions become taxing and I convince myself that there really isn't much point to anything because I'll always feel this way. Depression convinces me that I'll always feel lost, distant, sad. I'll never be happy because I'll never hit that golden target that will make life worthwhile. Like I mentioned last week in my post about Dealing with Burnout and Getting Back on Track when I feel hopeless is when I start my self sabotage. However, depression goes to a new level that feeling burnt out doesn't reach. Depression convinces you that your goals are pointless because you're worthless. It robs you of your optimism and confidence because what could you possibly be happy about. Depression tells you that you're always going to be a failure and that you're exactly the way your mother/father/sibling/family member/friend/co-worker makes ...
Post a Comment
Read more