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Dealing with Abusive/Toxic Family During the Holidays


 

I hate feeling fake. I hate acting like the perfect daughter that belongs to this perfect family. Special days like Christmas, Australia Day, Easter and even my birthday would really grind my gears. If we weren't happy the other days of the year, why did we have to pretend that we were just because the calendar said so. I hated the pageantry of it all. 

As an adult that has long gone No Contact with her abusive parents the holidays feel...strange? I sometimes replay old patterns and slip back into survival mode, so a small part of me still dreads these days. In writing this blog, connecting with other adults that have survived traumatic childhoods and surrounding myself with love and happiness I've been trying hard to shut down the dread and embrace excitement.


Focus on the Good


Rather than thinking back to everything these days could have been, I'm looking towards the future.

  • Getting together with my friends and having a laugh
  • Spending the day with my chosen family exchanging stories and good food
  • A day lazing around the apartment with my husband watching a great sci-fi flick
  • Deep cleaning my apartment so that when I go back to work it's fresh and clean
  • Attempting a new dessert recipe (I really want to get into making cheesecakes)
  • Cuddling in bed with my cat while I read with the gas heater on

Just because these days don't match the picture perfect image I grew up watching on TV or hearing about from my friends doesn't mean they can't be memorable. If you focus on the have-nots and the past you'll spiral into funk, or worse. Focus on the good you can have right now.

Plan Ahead


I spent a lot of these days sitting alone in my room because I didn't want to participate in the family gathering happening in my living room. It was lonely. I never want to feel that lonely again. To prevent this I plan all my social events way in advance. At the beginning of my month I'll organise dinner with my friends, catch ups and baking sessions with my bestie, lunch with my sister, date nights with my husband. When I know these big holidays are coming up I know exact where I'll be and who I'll be spending it with.

But Sussan, "what if I don't have anyone to spend these day with"? I'm glad you asked! Turn your solo public holiday into a day of self care. Even if I'm spending a holiday alone I can get excited because I have a list of projects to do, books I'm finally going to finish reading or shows to binge. A deep clean of my apartment and a weeks worth of meal prep always makes me feel like I'm set up for success.

Not sure where to start with turning your holiday alone into a day of self care? Download my worksheet! Upload a shot of your sheet to Instagram and tag @breathe.syd so I know how you're going. 

A change in mindset can bring about a change in your life. Don't let yourself be bogged down with what should have happened and how it all could have been different.


Do you dread special days/holidays? Hopefully what I've said can help.


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